Conflicting Conflict Theories

A lot happens during a conflict. In conflicts, and in conflict theories, there can sometimes be competing facts and truths that whilst appearing to be contradictory, may in fact be coalescing and can actually hold true at the same time.

Akira Kurosawa’s 1950’s movie Rashomon acknowledges the extent to which a story can often be understood from different perspectives. The Japanese movie is a gruesome tale of a crime told from four different perspectives of the main characters. From this movie the phrase ‘the Rashomon effect’ has emerged which describes the art of considering different perspectives. The old adage of ‘if there are two people in a conflict there are often three sides to the story’ is often true.

There are many conflict, leadership and other theories that can help us understand what is going on in a conflict. This article will draw on Relationship Awareness Theory and one of the cognitive biases known as Fundamental Attribution Error in particular, as well as many of the leadership theories that pick up on the importance of situational awareness.

But first a personal story as way of an example. During the process of unpacking some items, a suggestion was made to me that there were baskets available to put said items in. The person said, “we have baskets to put those items in if you want to”. I heard “why do you always leave your stuff lying around”. Now it was perfectly clear that was not was it said, and further discussion indicated that it was not even implied. At this point my mishearing was related to my own baggage accompanied by a replaying and importing of previous conversations into this scenario. This is how some conflicts can get started. What is heard is not what was said.

Two competing ideas can come into play here, fundamental attribution error often leads us down the track of it being ‘all about me’. The inability to realize that a situation is happening independently of what you may think or feel about the events occurring around us. But at the same time, relationship awareness leads us to realize that we may be importing our own emotions or feelings into a situation, and need to step back, take a look from the balcony as it were, and analyze the situation more objectively.

This is where psychometric testing comes into its own. Psychometric testing helps you to understand you better. Whether it be DISC or DISC Advanced, Meyer Briggs, SDI, Clifton Strengths or another variation, it is helpful to know what your modus operandi is. It’s where you learn what your favorite tools in your toolbox are when it comes to interpersonal relationships - those three or four adjectives that describe your most commonly used traits and that take pride of place in your resume. It is often what works for you about 75% of the time.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is knowing when the leave your favourite tools in the toolbox, and work with the next level, that which might be a little out of your comfort zone, but what is needed to address the situation. In any interpersonal interaction, but especially in conflict, the best managers know how to read the situation, when to use empathy, when it is less about themselves and more about the other person. What is the other person seeking in the exchange, what are their issues, motivators or needs in the interaction? What experience or baggage are they bringing to the table that can impact (either positively or negatively) the exchange?

EQ is knowing when you need to step back, take a look from the balcony as it were. Knowing that you need to pull different tools out of your emotional intelligence toolbox, whether it be courage, boldness, submission, servanthood, action, thoroughness or whatever else may be appropriate for the situation. It may be that this action is not your first choice in most situations, but is what is needed in this instance.

EQ is also knowing the difference between utilizing your own experience in a situation and not importing your own baggage. Even the best of the best will sometimes cross this line, but good emotional intelligence is knowing when to offer the benefits of your experience, and when to hold back.

Hold the tension of knowing yourself well - your characteristics or modus operandi, but know that when it comes to interpersonal relationships, it’s not all about you.

Where possible, dig deep and utilize the most appropriate tools available before emotions rise and conflicts start. But most importantly apply all of your empathy skills and listen.